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What to Do When 'The Most Wonderful Time of the Year' Doesn't Quite Feel Like It
12.05.2016
A Q&A with Stanford Psychiatrist Amy Poon
The holidays tend to be a time of increased stress. Calendars are more packed than usual, financial stress may mount, and this stress can have a ripple effect on our relationships and mental health. There can also be a lot of expectations around how things should be, and how we should feel. Yet, reality does not always match our expectations. In this Q&A, Stanford psychiatrist Amy Poon, MD, offers tips to minimize stress, build resilience, and maximize the meaning and joy the holidays can bring.
One of the best ways to begin is by having an increased awareness of the stress and the wide range of emotions this season can bring, as this helps us adjust our expectations. A common source of stress is when our expectations about circumstances or other people are not met.
It is especially important to care for ourselves when we are under increased stress. Sleep, exercise and healthy eating can help us build resilience during the holidays. Increased stress can contribute to existing problems and conditions, including insomnia, depression, anxiety, and even panic attacks, to name a few. It is important to recognize when we are experiencing too much stress, and to give ourselves permission to be flexible. For example, if we are overscheduled or feeling too much time pressure during the holidays, it may help to give ourselves permission to scale back on things like decorations, holiday activities, etc.
It is important to remember that as we experience more stress at the holidays, others do, too. We may encounter crowds of impatient shoppers, rude or inconsiderate drivers, and our friends and family may react differently under stress. Family conflict can escalate quickly. Rather than reacting harshly when loved ones are irritated or angry, which may be our inclination, it may help to take a pause and consider giving them some space and time to cool off. If they are willing to have a calm conversation, we might ask about what is causing their unhappiness, as it can help people to open up and feel understood by others. By not reacting in anger, we can create an opportunity to connect and empathize with loved ones who are also experiencing increased stress, possibly even improving our relationships with them.
The holidays can be especially hard for people who have lost family members or friends. The holidays can intensify grief and present a painful reminder that someone we typically celebrate with is not present. This extent of the grief depends on a number of factors, such as the type of loss, timing of the loss, who the person was to us, etc.
Getting through the holidays can be an important part of the grief process. It may help to reach out to others who also loved the person we lost. It is healthy to accept our feelings and the wide range of emotions we may experience, including sadness, disappointment, guilt when we are celebrating, etc. We may really miss them, and be tearful at times. It's also okay to allow ourselves to feel joy even when we are grieving; sadness and joy can be present at the same time.
Traditions can be very important for families. It's good to not be overly rigid with traditions after we've lost someone, and to have flexibility since traditions may feel different after a loss. Remember to pay attention to how our friends and family are feeling, too, since everyone grieves differently. Sometimes, it may help to start a new tradition.
Holiday blues encompass a normal range of negative emotions, such as sadness, low mood, worry, disappointment, and irritability. These emotions may come and go, and may be mixed in with positive emotions.
Depression is a persistent low mood or inability to enjoy life that lasts more than two weeks, combined with other symptoms, including significant sleep changes, appetite changes, and changes in energy levels. Depression is more serious than holiday blues, and may require professional help to overcome.
If a loved one appears to be experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or losing their will to live, they should get professional help from a psychiatrist or therapist. If someone does not have a psychiatrist or therapist, they can go to their primary care physician. If feelings are very severe and immediate attention seems necessary, it may be a good idea to go to urgent care or to the emergency department. A lot of help is available, and mental health professionals want to be able to help sooner rather than later.